Awakening: Open Mind, Open Heart

I'll never go back. I can't go back.

I stopped going to church regularly over 3 years ago. Besides the few times I would go when visiting family, I did not attend. My thought process was that I had a lot of unanswered questions that I felt were never going to be answered. I felt that the church didn't have answers and that I had to accept that. I couldn't accept that. It's hard to explain, my needing to have my questions answered. Put simply, I could not rely on faith, because I did not have it. So, I left thinking, "I'll never go back. I can't go back."

In high school, I started to lead a double life. I think I had always led part of a double life while growing up. My parents separated when I was 8. I was shocked. My mom had taken us out for a treat and when we came home, he was gone. My dad had packed some of his belongings and moved out. After that day, my life crashed; I felt myself crashing down into a 10 year spiral of depression, anger, stress, and lies. I will not go into detail about my childhood post-separation, because I spent a lot of it as a confused and sad little girl. I don't like to revisit it. But, high school. High school was where I wanted to be free. I wanted the freedom that my friends had, but I had a strict home. So, I lied. And surprisingly, it came easily to me. I really think it's because I used to tell my dad what he wanted to hear when he asked about my mom. I wanted him to be proud of me; so, among other things, I would lie and tell him that I was on his side when in reality, I didn't want to be on a side.

In high school, I was a leader in the church and I loved it. But, I didn't have a firm testimony. I wanted to party with my friends, and I didn't understand why I couldn't do both. So, I secretly did both and I felt liberated. I grasped that freedom hard, so hard that I didn't care about or even realize the consequences of what I was doing. I didn't realize how unhappy it would make me feel, opening up this double-life jar of lying to everyone closest to me just to get these quick, short moments of 'happiness'. I became someone, something that I never want to be again. I lost relationships and friendships, because I was out of control. And after it all, after looking at all of the broken, scattered pieces of myself, I was left with nothing but the want of a new beginning.

College. BYU-I was fun! I got to make my own decisions and I answered to ME. I got to spend time with LDS members who are my age, a vast improvement to the one LDS girl back home in my grade. But, I still felt different. I still had questions that I was scared of asking. I still had issues that I thought I already knew the answers to, answers that didn't sit well with me. And, besides that, I felt myself turning back into the person I was in high school. I didn't want to be that person anymore, the person who didn't follow the teachings but pretended to. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I didn't know if I would ever recover from it, especially because I still struggle with being truthful about how I feel. At that point in my life, I felt that having all of these rules I had to follow as a member of the church made me judgmental of other people. And I hated that, mostly because I constantly felt judged. While I hated dealing with people like that, I had to hold myself accountable for doing the same thing. So, not only was my testimony weak, but I was weak. I stopped going to church 3 years ago. I turned my back on it and didn't think I would return.

Then, something changed in me. I'm not sure what it is. I think it might be that I want a family in my near future, and I constantly worry about what I'm going to teach my children. Leaving the church didn't make me an Atheist or anti-Mormon. I still believe much of what I was taught in the church. I think it started when my sister, Sarah, told me that she's going on a mission. I was stunned when she told me she wanted to go. It was hard for me, because we have always been so close. We're the closest out of all of my siblings; we're best friends. And, after I shared my struggles with the church to my family, she had revealed to me that she was struggling too. I knew that when I left, I would feel alone, because all of my family members are still active in the LDS church. I prepared myself for it. I even went a little overboard with my preparations. But, I did not prepare for someone to not only understand my side of things, but agree with them. I was elated to find out that I was not alone. But then, just as quickly, I was alone again. Though she had struggled, she persevered, worked on herself and found her testimony. I am so happy for her. She's a different person now, more content with who she was, more real. Despite my fear of loneliness, I love who she is and how happy she is. And, her new found happiness made me wonder what had changed. So, we talked; we talked a lot. We discussed all of my issues and questions. We talked about how angry I was, angry because I felt like people blindly followed/accepted teachings that didn't have answers, that didn't make any sense. We talked for a long time and Sarah didn't have all of the answers. She still understood and agreed with a lot of the problems I had. But, the difference now:

"Lei, I don't understand why we can't do certain things. I don't understand or have an answer to it, but I want to go to the temple. I want to be married in the temple, and in order to do that, I have to let those things go and accept it. If God doesn't want me to drink coffee, then I won't. If He doesn't want me to go to an R rated movie, I won't. If He doesn't want me to get a tattoo, I won't. I also have to accept that people are human beings. The church is always true. The doctrine is true. You have to let go of how some of the people are..." 

The difference is that she accepted it. She accepted that there are a lot of little things she doesn't understand and probably won't ever understand. She accepted that people make mistakes, but that's their decision.

During one of my family visits, Esther had the sister missionaries over for dinner. They shared a message that struck me. I had started to open my heart to the church again. And, this message brought everything into perspective.

Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-11:
9. Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
11. And ye ought to say in your hearts - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

I was blown away, stunned that this, out of everything they could have shared, they shared this. I felt my anger start to melt away as I knew that this message was for me, that God sent this message to me. Peace replaced the anger and resentment that I had felt for the last 3 years. And, I didn't realize how tiring it was to be so angry. I need to forgive.

A few months later:

I still have problems and issues, but I want to resolve them. I think that's the difference from what I did before. This time, I WANT TO RESOLVE them and I am motivated. I am keeping on open mind and an open heart. I have always said that I do not want to go back to church until I am in a good place. As I said before, I want to be firm; I want to be strong. I want to hammer out these issues so that I don't keep them inside, because I've already done that, and I don't want to go back there. I talk to Sarah every week. Each week, we have a new prompt - usually it's a question that I have - and we discuss it after we both do research. It's been going well.
I talked to TJ about going back. His response was that he's been wanting to go back to church for a long time.

I have started to have a testimony again. It is small, but it is mine and it is real.

I know that God is real. I know that He hears me and answers me. I know that He loves me.

About My Dad

Let me just start by saying that I know my father loves me. He cares about me. He wants the best for me. As a child, he was a perfect parent. He thought everything that I accomplished was interesting and fun and he played games with me; he paid attention to me. I've heard that realists are attracted to dreamers and vice versa. My mom is definitely a realist. My father is the dreamer. I remember when they were getting a divorce, it was a very scary time for my younger sister and me. I think it's because we didn't really understand what was going on. We couldn't really even comprehend what was happening. There was so much more fighting towards the end. Sarah and I used to hold each other and cry in bed while we listened to them yell in the next room. My father says that women are very emotional; I have seen my father has cried more than any woman I know. It was natural for us to think that my mother was this bad person, because we could hear her yell while we heard my dad cry.

My years of dislike for my mother were brought forth because of my dad. I know that there would be hard times if he had not have intervened, but he made our relationship with our mom very difficult. He would take us away from the house even though my mother did not want him to. He would lock us into rooms. He told us that our mother was very sick and twisted, that she needed God's help. We would pray for her to get better while she was banging on the door. We would pray in the car while she didn't know where we were.

Let me tell you how my mom was finally able to get this divorce. She had told bishops about how my father treated her. More verbal abuse than physical from what I understand. They never really believed her, because my father can be your best friend when he wants to be. That's what he was most of my childhood. She recorded him screaming and swearing at her. She presented this to our last bishop and he finally believed her. He spoke to my father about it, and later my father said that the bishop was having an affair with my mom. I don't think my dad will ever admit that he treated my mother badly. Even with evidence of a tape, he refuses to acknowledge what he had done.

I don't think any child should be involved in their parent's issues. No child should be put in the middle like we were. No child should have the weight of responsibility for divorce on their shoulders. No child should be told to hate one of their parents. No child should be told to steal from or lie to a parent. If my mother or my father makes a mistake, they will be judged by God. They will answer to Him, and I won't answer to Him for my parent's mistakes.

I was horrible to my mom. For some years, I treated her the worst I have ever treated anyone. I stole money from her, because my dad applauded it. I yelled at her all the time for taking me away from a harmful and sick situation. I lied just because I could. I made her life so miserable. Looking back, I regret the way things were. I regret how much I had damaged our relationship by listening to my father over her. Just recently I have realized how breakable my mom is. I rarely saw her cry during the divorce. I saw her angry, but never sad. I thought that meant that she didn't care. She planned this; she wanted me to suffer. She did this on purpose to hurt me. And now, I've seen her joke. My mom doesn't have humor, well, good humor that is. She's quirky. Sometimes, she finds naughty jokes funny. I was so annoyed when she joked. I was embarrassed. And now I realize: when had she become funny? When did she get personality? She started to dress differently and care more about her hair and make-up. Again I think about this situation: she's changing to be the way she wants to be. She's smiling a lot.

I won't ever know how trapped and caged my mother must have felt. Living with my father for a short time was the worst experience I have had living with someone. I have had first-hand experience talking with my father, having him say something, and then saying moments later that he never said that. I have competed against my dad in sports and it was a blast. I have heard him lie on many occasions. I have had many talks about how God is love with my dad. I have witnessed his verbal abuse. I have had cherished experiences with my dad. I have seen his physical abuse. I know that he is sick.