I had never met my birth-father before. My adoption was an open one; so, I had always talked to my mother about my birth-mother and birth-family. My birth-father refused to admit that I was his. So, he was not a part of my life. I rarely asked about him but sadly, I thought of him often. The fact that he hadn't wanted me made me more curious about him. It confused me, my thoughts. I didn't want to want to know about him. I didn't want to want to think about him. But I did. I used to wonder what he looked like. What are his passions/hobbies? What is his personality like? What does he think about? Does he think about me? Do I resemble him? Do I think like him? It was a constant circle of pain that I tried to push away. But, the more I tried to not think of him, the more I did.
I got the chance to meet him while I was in Hawaii. My family and birth-family were there as I had my family reunion and wedding in Hawaii. My birth-father and my birth-mother had met at the Polynesian Cultural Center and this is where I saw him.
The first time we visited the PCC, Sa (my birth-mother) saw him at the entrance. I had already started walking in; so, I didn't end up seeing him the first time. I had no idea that he still worked there. I was paranoid the rest of the day while walking through the different areas of the PCC. I kept thinking that I would see him or accidentally run into him. What would I say? I had thought about this moment often. I had thought up many different scenarios that changed depending on his emotion. Obviously if he was mad, I would react differently than if he were excited or happy or embarrassed. I think that is what I was scared about the most. What if he was embarrassed? I mean, I figured he'd be embarrassed. I would be embarrassed if I were him. I've made many mistakes in my life that I regret. I try not to think about them, because I sit in this pool of shame over what I had done in the past. People make stupid mistakes. But, he would have to face his head on. He would have to literally look at his mistake. I am his mistake.
We went a second time so that we could go with my other family members. The first time that we went was with my birth-family. The second time was with TJ's family and my own. I had already been walking through when my mom (Amber) caught up to us. She came late and had just come from the entrance. She said that she had seen him. She said that he was at the entrance and that if I hurried, I could see him. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I had previously decided that I wouldn't see him on this trip. The family reunion and wedding would be the happiest moments of my life and I didn't want anything to put a damper on such a happy occasion. I didn't want anything to go wrong during my trip, because I didn't want to look back and think of that. But, I started walking quickly to the entrance. My sisters and mom were behind me. As they followed, we discussed what we should do. First, someone was going to sneak a picture of him. But then, we didn't want to look creepy or draw extra attention to ourselves; so, one of my sisters was going to ask him if she could take a picture with him. I wanted to see him. But, I didn't want to see him. We decided that maybe I should take a picture with him. That way, we could see me with him in the picture. We could see the similarities between him and me more easily that way. Then, we saw him.
We had just walked up and my mom was looking around to find him. And then he was there. She pointed at him. I saw him. He was talking to a couple and helping them look at their map of the PCC. I just stared. I had so many emotions running through me so quickly that I could hardly breathe. I was giddy and hyper, feeling exhilarated. But, I was overcome by a deep sadness and tears started to swell in my eyes. This is my father. This is the man who has haunted me my whole life. This man could have been my dad. I blinked fiercely, refusing to cry. I then felt anger, angry that this was the way, the first time I get to see the man who made me. Angry that here he was and he had no idea who I am. Angry that he looked happy. I felt resentment creep in. But then, I felt pity. Despite the fact that I realized I still carry resentment of the past, I felt bad for him. And I am so shocked that I felt pity. I'm shocked that I felt anything at all. I had been so flippant in the past. I had brushed any feelings towards him aside as he had brushed me aside. I just wanted to cry. Looking back, I wish I had been more open about my feelings in that moment, but I was scared to say anything at all. I was scared that if I started to elaborate on my feelings that they would become real and that I would keep feeling more for this man that didn't want me. I turned to my mom as she asked me how I was doing. I didn't say much, because I honestly didn't know what to say.
"I don't know, Mom. I feel weird."
"I know. You must be feeling such a mix of feelings. It's normal, Lei."
It's normal.
He started walking away with the couple. They were heading to the Canoe Pageant. We followed. I couldn't stop staring at his back. He looked handsome. His skin was darker than I had imagined as was his hair. I wonder if he dyes it. He walked with purpose. It wasn't the lazy walk that I do. He walked like a proud man. He looked strong. His calf muscles were impressive. They sat and we decided to sit on the same row. Esther and her family and the couple were between me and my father. I kept trying to peek over at him, but I couldn't get a good look. Esther kept telling me to go up to him and introduce myself. I had told her that I didn't care. I don't think that I knew that I did care. I was pushing my feelings deep down inside of myself, trapping them. She said that if I didn't care that I should go up and say who I am. But, I didn't want to. I didn't want my first meeting with him to be like this. Even though I felt like I didn't care, I did. Besides trying to avoid having something sad happen during my happy wedding/honeymoon week, I surprisingly felt like I should respect him. I want to be prepared for our first official meeting, if it ever happens, and I think it would only be right for him to be prepared. If we meet, I want both of us to be informed; both of us need to want to meet. I was also scared about his reaction. I kept thinking that I didn't care, that this was his doing, but then I would suddenly feel torn about it. What if he said that he didn't know me, even though he did, and then just walked away? What if he didn't say anything at all and walked away? No, I wasn't going to tell him who I am.
It was time for the picture. Esther walked up to him and asked if we could take a picture with him. I didn't want him to look directly at me beforehand, because I didn't want him to realize who I am. Kristi held up the phone to take the picture. He put his arm around me. His arm was around me. I leaned in suddenly, naturally. I fit in the curve of his arm. He smelled good. He was warm. My arm slid to his back and I held him as he held me. We smiled for the picture, frozen.
After what seemed like an eternity, he patted my back. And I couldn't help but think that this man could have been the man who raised me. That embrace would have been a familiar embrace. Despite the past, it felt good to be held by him. I closed my eyes briefly, promising myself that even if he didn't know who I am, this was a moment I wanted to remember.
Even though it seemed to last long, it didn't. It ended much too quickly and he was letting me go. I could feel the breeze fall against my back, brushing over the part that his arm had occupied. I looked up at him and thanked him for the picture. He looked at me briefly, said that it was a pleasure, and then he was gone. Just like that, he was gone. I didn't want to watch him walk away; so, I immediately turned my back to him and sat down.
I had left TJ when I started running to the entrance. He sat across the river from me during the Canoe Pageant. He told me that he had watched as we took the picture with my birth-father.
"Lei, he knew it was you. He stared at you before he walked away. And then he came back and kept staring at you during the rest of the show."
He knew it was me.
I pushed my feelings aside again and was fine for the rest of the day. I would randomly think of him and briefly talk about how insane it was that I got to meet him. And then, I would carefully stuff him back into that little box inside of me. In the darkness of my room that night, I opened that box and I cried. I cried for the little girl who knew that her father didn't want her. I cried for the teenager whose thoughts were full of him. I cried for the married woman whose breath he took away as she stared across a sea of people to see him for the first time. And then, I collected myself. I blew my nose several times, wiped my tears, and forced myself to sleep. I would think of him another day.
