Always

I woke up early. I had showered before I went to bed so that my hair would be dry today. I slowly get out of the bed that I am sharing with my sister and birth-mother, Sa, and walk out of the room. I brush my teeth and walk out the door and into the car in my pajamas. TJ drives me to the other rental house.

I open the door and it is windy. The house is right on the beach and I can see the ocean as I walk up the front steps. I open the door and everyone is awake. They are eating breakfast, showering, talking, doing hair and make-up. I smile and find a place to sit. I am here because I am going to get my hair and make-up done professionally! I am so excited, because this is a first that I get the combo. I am also excited, because it's my wedding day.

My Aunt Mapuana is the photographer for our special day. Once I heard that she was going to take pictures as a wedding present to us, I looked through her photos on her facebook page and fell in love. She is talented. She arrives around 8:00 AM along with her make-up assistant, Kai.

I sit at the table. The wall to my right is all glass so that you can see the ocean at all times. The kitchen is to my left, my sisters sitting at the counter eating cereal. Randy comes and sits next to me and we talk while he eats his breakfast. He's nervous about his speech. I tell him that he can read it to me later.

Kai and Aunty start working on my hair. They're straightening it. They remember halfway through that they need to take a before picture. I look seriously into her camera, half of my hair straightened and the other half a frizzy ball of fluff hanging over it.

"You can smile."
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know if this was supposed to be artistic or not."

We laugh.

It takes them awhile to straighten the thick hair and then they are finally done. Kai wraps it in curlers. Aunty walks around, taking pictures of me while Kai does my makeup. She walks outside and takes pictures of the property and of my sisters. There is so much noise and movement. 12 people are staying in the house and now they are all trying to get ready at the same time.

My sisters and nieces are all done getting ready and they start to pose for pictures. I watch them and laugh with them as they make different faces. Their dresses are beautiful. I was nervous that the colors wouldn't go together. Many sisters and nieces means many different definitions of modesty and what looks best; so, I decided to let them pick out their own dresses and hoped that they would match. They did. The dresses were all different shades, but close shades, of the turquoise that I wanted. The flower girls are wearing bright pink and white and the bridesmaids are in turquoise/mint and white. All are wearing short dresses except for Sarah, my Maid of Honor. She has a long, flowy dress. It looks Grecian. They're breathtaking. I'm so happy that all of my family can be here for this special day. I briefly think about Jovan, TJ's cousin. She would have been in my wedding line. TJ and I thought about possibly making remarks in our speech about missing those who cannot be with us. But, he decided against it. It would be too hard for him to talk about her. Her passing was a devastation to the family and especially to TJ as she was his best friend and sister (technically cousin, but in his culture, they are brother and sister). Prior to this experience, I had only experienced my elderly family members passing away. Her death was a shot of reality, a strong dose that though it's cliche to say, life is short. Life is so incredibly short. And, life is hell. The day she died is the saddest day that TJ and I have ever experienced. I remember it well.

I woke up to TJ rubbing my shoulder. He was supposed to be at work, but he was in bed next to me, crying. Sobbing. I asked him what was wrong and he could barely speak.

"Jovan is dead."

I was overcome with shock. How could she be dead? He just spoke to her the other day. They had joked on the phone. All I could do was hold him and cry with him. I had never seen him so sad. I had never seen him cry this hard before. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move as he held me tightly to him. We talked to his grandmother on the phone and were assigned to pick Aleena up from school before we headed over to her house. I waited in the car as he went in Aleena's school to get her. She walked beside him and I watched as he told her. She looked at him and her face paled. She started to cry and they both cried as they walked to the car.

As we walked in the house, we were met by his mother and grandmother. His grandmother's cry is the saddest cry I have ever heard. It is heartbreaking. She yelled as she cried in his arms and I stood aside as I watched a family's pain as they embraced each other. 

The girls laugh and I think about Jovan laughing with them.

They start to put flowers in their hair and my family members start to leave. They have to pick up things for the wedding and set up things as well. The only ones left in the house are: Sa, Baby Ave, Aunty Tutasi, Aunty Mapu, Kai, and myself. It gets really quiet as Kai finishes my makeup. She is almost done and I keep thinking about my lashes. She has yet to put any mascara on them and I get nervous, because I definitely don't want to be eyelash-less LOL! She says that she is almost done and pulls out fake eye-lashes and leans forward to put them on me. I relax.

I change into my wedding dress in the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror. My hair is in soft curls, framing my face. My makeup is darker than usual, but fabulous. I love the eyelashes! My dress is perfect. There is a sequin belt that goes across the front, right under my chest. Underneath the sequins, the dress puffs out around me. I feel beautiful. Sa greets me when I come out and helps zip me up. I'm glad that she's here for this part. It just feels right to have her here, zipping me up, helping me with the final touches. The orchids that I had planned on putting in my hair were gone; so, she let me wear one of her combs. It has real flowers on it, beautiful and white. They smelled so delicious! I had never smelt anything so wonderful in my life. We pose for more pictures.

The drive to Temple Beach is short. I walk across the street, barefoot and holding my dress in the air. I walk down the sandy path to the beach. Everyone is there, waiting. Of course, I'm late.

"I'm here!!"

Everything starts to move quickly and I look around. There is a beautiful, simple hoopah at the end of the aisle. White fabric is draped from it and there are large leaves on it as well. TJ is standing there, waiting for me, and he looks so handsome. The men are wearing white shirts with khaki shorts and TJ is wearing khaki slacks. The florist walks to me and hands me my bouquet. I can tell that she is nervous as she says that she hopes I like the flowers. My bouquet is breathtaking. I stare at it and tell her that the flowers look amazing. It is a large, cascading bouquet with bright pink and white orchids. There are little bits of fern and green leaves mixed in. It looks better than I had imagined.

Music starts to play and I can hear a ukulele in the background. Eve and Roo start dropping purple orchids as they walk down the orchid-lined aisle. Eve looks very serious, wanting to do her job perfectly as she carefully places the flowers on the ground. Roo has a hard time balancing on the sand and starts to wobble off to the side of the aisle. Sarah is the first bridesmaid to walk down the aisle. She holds Roo's hand as they walk down the aisle together. The rest of the girls start to walk and my mothers stand next to me. Sa is on my right and Mom is on my left. This is perfect. I look around at everyone as we walk. I feel so much love and I look at TJ. He is smiling.

We hold hands and I ask if he has his ring. His eyes widen and he searches his pockets. Not only does he not have his ring, but he has no idea where it is. I worriedly turn to Uncle Aaron and he calmly tells me that we won't do a ring ceremony. Thank goodness! Uncle Aaron starts to talk...

 Everything about this day feels right. Our families are here together to celebrate this new life with us.