Betrayal Poem

I wrote this poem during my sophomore year in high school. This was about a friend who was having a hard time with her close group of friends, one in particular.

How could you?

Best friends, pals, buds forever

We had forever

We had eternity

Sharing our lives, our secrets

Did you just forget?

I never told a soul

Never let your secrets leak

Defended you with all I had

Stood by your side.

What do you want?

You've betrayed me

You've killed me!
I cry for the first time
My soul now too weak
To cope with you
I hoped for you
Stood up and died for you
And this is how you pay me?
You betray me
Who else knows?
Should I spill like you?
Kill like you?
Subvert like you?
Hurt like you?
No, no.
My mind hurts too much
To think, at one time it was your touch
That could make me happy.

The Unknown Beast Poem

I wrote this my freshmen year in high school. This was about a childhood experience on my neighbor's farm. I'm pretty sure the prompt had specifics we had to follow for how we wrote the poem. I ended up being one of the few picked to perform in front of the class and I won. Enjoy :)

Think of something white and fluffy
Something soft, not roughly shaped
Something with colorless eyes
Varieties of its size
This something can jump, leap
This something is a sheep
I have encountered this untamed beast
And that is to say the least
You may be surprised
But I did collide
With a sheep

It happened one morning
The dawn with fingertips of rose
That I stood at the gate of the lair
No warning, no weapon, just clothes
This battle was totally not fair

Okay, so maybe I did have some warning
From my old neighbor Cory
"Right!" I had sarcastically replied
A sheep ramming me would be a sight
I arrogantly stormed into the cage
Not knowing the predator's rage
My back to Cory and the herd
The sudden flying away of the birds

I hear the pounding of feet
And my heart misses a beat
Cory flashes past
Running fast
His figure turning back to see
Not needing to outrun the sheep, just me
Falling behind I then realize
Today it's not Cory that dies
We head towards the gate of freedom
Regretting that we are not already freeman
A locked gate, we quickly decide
To run to a tree nearby
Just as I grab the branch
A sharp pang hits my back
I flail my arms like wings under the beast
Grimacing at the muscles I lack
The white wool blinds my eyes
The fuzz against my face

Finally in the tree
Around it the sheep still paced
I am panting
My body giving way
The beast still circling
This is really not my day
When the wild animal is on one side
We jump out the other, oh brother where art thou?

Making our way to the gate
Dreaming, hoping of being safe
Cory jumps over the fence, dirt flying up
I try so hard to follow, if only that was enough
Today I have the marks on my back
My brain not quite intact
The memory burned in my mind
From the experience, one of a kind
I still dream of the sheep
My fear increased
From the attack of the unknown beast

Always

I woke up early. I had showered before I went to bed so that my hair would be dry today. I slowly get out of the bed that I am sharing with my sister and birth-mother, Sa, and walk out of the room. I brush my teeth and walk out the door and into the car in my pajamas. TJ drives me to the other rental house.

I open the door and it is windy. The house is right on the beach and I can see the ocean as I walk up the front steps. I open the door and everyone is awake. They are eating breakfast, showering, talking, doing hair and make-up. I smile and find a place to sit. I am here because I am going to get my hair and make-up done professionally! I am so excited, because this is a first that I get the combo. I am also excited, because it's my wedding day.

My Aunt Mapuana is the photographer for our special day. Once I heard that she was going to take pictures as a wedding present to us, I looked through her photos on her facebook page and fell in love. She is talented. She arrives around 8:00 AM along with her make-up assistant, Kai.

I sit at the table. The wall to my right is all glass so that you can see the ocean at all times. The kitchen is to my left, my sisters sitting at the counter eating cereal. Randy comes and sits next to me and we talk while he eats his breakfast. He's nervous about his speech. I tell him that he can read it to me later.

Kai and Aunty start working on my hair. They're straightening it. They remember halfway through that they need to take a before picture. I look seriously into her camera, half of my hair straightened and the other half a frizzy ball of fluff hanging over it.

"You can smile."
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know if this was supposed to be artistic or not."

We laugh.

It takes them awhile to straighten the thick hair and then they are finally done. Kai wraps it in curlers. Aunty walks around, taking pictures of me while Kai does my makeup. She walks outside and takes pictures of the property and of my sisters. There is so much noise and movement. 12 people are staying in the house and now they are all trying to get ready at the same time.

My sisters and nieces are all done getting ready and they start to pose for pictures. I watch them and laugh with them as they make different faces. Their dresses are beautiful. I was nervous that the colors wouldn't go together. Many sisters and nieces means many different definitions of modesty and what looks best; so, I decided to let them pick out their own dresses and hoped that they would match. They did. The dresses were all different shades, but close shades, of the turquoise that I wanted. The flower girls are wearing bright pink and white and the bridesmaids are in turquoise/mint and white. All are wearing short dresses except for Sarah, my Maid of Honor. She has a long, flowy dress. It looks Grecian. They're breathtaking. I'm so happy that all of my family can be here for this special day. I briefly think about Jovan, TJ's cousin. She would have been in my wedding line. TJ and I thought about possibly making remarks in our speech about missing those who cannot be with us. But, he decided against it. It would be too hard for him to talk about her. Her passing was a devastation to the family and especially to TJ as she was his best friend and sister (technically cousin, but in his culture, they are brother and sister). Prior to this experience, I had only experienced my elderly family members passing away. Her death was a shot of reality, a strong dose that though it's cliche to say, life is short. Life is so incredibly short. And, life is hell. The day she died is the saddest day that TJ and I have ever experienced. I remember it well.

I woke up to TJ rubbing my shoulder. He was supposed to be at work, but he was in bed next to me, crying. Sobbing. I asked him what was wrong and he could barely speak.

"Jovan is dead."

I was overcome with shock. How could she be dead? He just spoke to her the other day. They had joked on the phone. All I could do was hold him and cry with him. I had never seen him so sad. I had never seen him cry this hard before. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move as he held me tightly to him. We talked to his grandmother on the phone and were assigned to pick Aleena up from school before we headed over to her house. I waited in the car as he went in Aleena's school to get her. She walked beside him and I watched as he told her. She looked at him and her face paled. She started to cry and they both cried as they walked to the car.

As we walked in the house, we were met by his mother and grandmother. His grandmother's cry is the saddest cry I have ever heard. It is heartbreaking. She yelled as she cried in his arms and I stood aside as I watched a family's pain as they embraced each other. 

The girls laugh and I think about Jovan laughing with them.

They start to put flowers in their hair and my family members start to leave. They have to pick up things for the wedding and set up things as well. The only ones left in the house are: Sa, Baby Ave, Aunty Tutasi, Aunty Mapu, Kai, and myself. It gets really quiet as Kai finishes my makeup. She is almost done and I keep thinking about my lashes. She has yet to put any mascara on them and I get nervous, because I definitely don't want to be eyelash-less LOL! She says that she is almost done and pulls out fake eye-lashes and leans forward to put them on me. I relax.

I change into my wedding dress in the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror. My hair is in soft curls, framing my face. My makeup is darker than usual, but fabulous. I love the eyelashes! My dress is perfect. There is a sequin belt that goes across the front, right under my chest. Underneath the sequins, the dress puffs out around me. I feel beautiful. Sa greets me when I come out and helps zip me up. I'm glad that she's here for this part. It just feels right to have her here, zipping me up, helping me with the final touches. The orchids that I had planned on putting in my hair were gone; so, she let me wear one of her combs. It has real flowers on it, beautiful and white. They smelled so delicious! I had never smelt anything so wonderful in my life. We pose for more pictures.

The drive to Temple Beach is short. I walk across the street, barefoot and holding my dress in the air. I walk down the sandy path to the beach. Everyone is there, waiting. Of course, I'm late.

"I'm here!!"

Everything starts to move quickly and I look around. There is a beautiful, simple hoopah at the end of the aisle. White fabric is draped from it and there are large leaves on it as well. TJ is standing there, waiting for me, and he looks so handsome. The men are wearing white shirts with khaki shorts and TJ is wearing khaki slacks. The florist walks to me and hands me my bouquet. I can tell that she is nervous as she says that she hopes I like the flowers. My bouquet is breathtaking. I stare at it and tell her that the flowers look amazing. It is a large, cascading bouquet with bright pink and white orchids. There are little bits of fern and green leaves mixed in. It looks better than I had imagined.

Music starts to play and I can hear a ukulele in the background. Eve and Roo start dropping purple orchids as they walk down the orchid-lined aisle. Eve looks very serious, wanting to do her job perfectly as she carefully places the flowers on the ground. Roo has a hard time balancing on the sand and starts to wobble off to the side of the aisle. Sarah is the first bridesmaid to walk down the aisle. She holds Roo's hand as they walk down the aisle together. The rest of the girls start to walk and my mothers stand next to me. Sa is on my right and Mom is on my left. This is perfect. I look around at everyone as we walk. I feel so much love and I look at TJ. He is smiling.

We hold hands and I ask if he has his ring. His eyes widen and he searches his pockets. Not only does he not have his ring, but he has no idea where it is. I worriedly turn to Uncle Aaron and he calmly tells me that we won't do a ring ceremony. Thank goodness! Uncle Aaron starts to talk...

 Everything about this day feels right. Our families are here together to celebrate this new life with us.

One More Day

I like to read depressing things. I like to listen to depressing music. I like to watch depressing movies. I have always liked to do this. I like to feel. So, while I was listening to One More Day by Vast (great song!), when I came across an article that was about a note someone found in an airport. The note was titled, "Read Me". He opened it and read:

I  recently left an emotionally abusive relationship. After months of insults I won't repeat, false accusations, lies, delusions, broken mirrors, nightly battles…. I left. I know that I was being poisoned by each day that I stayed. So with a heavy heart, I left my lover of three years, knowing that I had already put it off too long. At first he begged, then he cursed, but eventually he packed his bags and faded out of my life like a bad dream. For the first few weeks, my body seemed to reject this. For three years I had seen the world through him - colored glasses. I didn’t know who I was without him. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers. I could not help feeling utterly alone. But it was this sense of aloneness that set me free. Somewhere along the way, I let go. I released all of the painful memories, the names he had called me, the shards of him buried deep in my brain. I stopped believing the things he had made me think about myself. I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly beautiful life is. I meditated, drank too much coffee, talked to strangers, laughed at nothing. I wrote poetry and stopped to smell and photograph every flower. Once I discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace. Each day I am closer to it than I was yesterday. I am a work in progress but I am full to the brim with gratitude and joy. And so, since I have opened a new chapter in my life, I want to peacefully part with the contents of the last chapter. The end of my relationship was the catalyst for a wealth of positive changes in my life. It was a symbol, most importantly, it was an act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I could choose to be. And so, in an effort to leave behind the things that do not help me grow, I am letting go of a relic from the painful past. I wore this necklace-a gift from him-every day for over tow years. To me, letting it go is a joyous declaration that I am moving forward with strength and grace and deep, lasting peace. Please accept this gift as a reminder that we all deserve happiness. Whoever you are, and whatever pain you have faced, I hope you find peace.
Namaste,
Jamie