About Jeremiah

At the time of his wedding, these pictures were what proved that Jeremiah could actually smile. Growing up with him was difficult, mostly because he was not involved in my life as much as we both would have liked. After my parent's divorce, we were parted as my brother chose to live with my dad, me with my mom. Living in other states was very hard for us, probably more for him since he is my older brother; I did not pay attention to my parents at that age. Jeremiah went through a phase in his life where he was not really seen by anyone; he stayed in his room all day, keeping to himself. From what he has told me, I know that he felt alone and that he did not know how to cope with the loss of his sisters and did not know how to move forward from this point. Throughout my childhood, I had always felt that Jeremiah never really loved me; I correct that, I knew and know that he loves me. But, I felt that he thought I was not good enough to be near him, to be his sister. I definitely was not a peer, because everything I said was wrong. Everything I did was wrong. It was like I owed him for something. I owed him for not staying and any actions taken or thoughts that did not evolve around coming back to him was 'evil' and not of a loving nature. Reading this makes me think that the response to my words is going to be along the lines of sarcasm or, "Of course I didn't feel that way. Of course you did not owe me. Of course it was not your fault". But, really. Every discussion that had 'meaning' to Jeremiah were topics that involved me coming 'home' to live with him. Every time we spoke, I felt that if I did not come back, I helped my mother 'destroy' my family. It was always 'up to me' to fix my family. It was up to a child to know adult issues and to solve them. I can't even begin to explain how ridiculous it was that I felt that it was my place to intervene, that God would not be happy with me if I did not somehow bring my parents together again. This is something that my brother and I will always disagree on. He will always feel that children need to know every secret that parents keep, every memory of the past as he and my father told me things I should never have known. Is it guilt? Does he feel guilt? Maybe he thinks that God will punish him, because it's his responsibility. I still don't know why my brother had and still has so much anger in him.

My father thinks of him as the smartest in the family. He has told me on many occasions that he doesn't understand how Jeremiah can disown my mother as she is evil and wrong while I still love her. "Maybe you're just too small, too young to realize what she has done to you". I know that my mother has made mistakes and that my father has made mistakes. I know that my mother was not happy for most of their marriage and that while my father may claim that she did, she did not suddenly wake up and decide to leave. She wanted to leave from the very beginning. I can't answer why she waited so long. She's dedicated. She tried to fix things many times, both of my parents admitting to going to many counselors. I know that they fought a lot. I know that if I was a mother, if my husband took my children away, not telling me where he was taking them or when he was coming back, I would grow to despise him. I am surprised that when the end of their marriage came, she still had this love for my dad. She tried very hard to stay in the middle.

Now, somewhat masked by his apparent masculinity, I would doubt that he would admit vulnerability. But, I know Jeremiah is vulnerable. He loves so hard. He hates indefinitely. He is vulnerable, because he feels so strongly. He feels emotions so passionately. I really love my brother. Seeing him the way he was, even traces of it today, makes me so sad. I think a part of me will always have this small hatred towards my mother, because I could not be with him; I couldn't have game nights or tease him or steal his candy anymore. We only had a few days a year where we tried to patch up this torn relationship that literally was being held by strings. I don't think he'll ever know, or really want to know, how much it hurt me to leave him every time I had to. He won't ever fully know how hard it was for me to try to be there when he couldn't just be the brother I so badly wanted him to be.

I know that my mother did what she had to do. I know that she tried so hard to keep our family together. Despite what my brother thinks, my mother is the only person I know who actually tries to follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; she is an example to me. I know that she is such a special woman who tried for so long to work on her relationship with Jeremiah, because she loves him. I know that it hurts her to ask about his wife and his baby, because Jeremiah will never let her be a part of that family. I know that it really hurts her to the point where she does not even want to ask about Levi. I know that it hurt her deeply when Jeremiah sent her nasty letters, calling her many different names; he did not hesitate to do this over the phone. I think of how hurtful it would be if my son did those things to me. I think of how God must react to the way Jeremiah treats my mother. I think of how Jeremiah justifies himself. I question life: victim or villain, do you deserve this?

My brother loves me. He may not approve of me or my actions, but I know that he loves me. I know that he tries on a daily basis to do what is right. He is also an amazing father and husband. Maybe someday he will let me talk with him and he will miraculously understand. Maybe.