Grandma and Grandpa's House: Silliness and Young Love

Grandma's dry-heaving was sadly entertaining. We had heard the stories of how our uncles would tease her, making her gag. There was usually a booger involved or talk of one. Grandma couldn't handle that subject. Just the mention of one was Grandma's nightmare. She would immediately start to retch. Now, to describe Grandma's retching...It was much more than you would imagine. She would not only make the sound and movement of vomiting, but her whole body would be taken over by it, repeatedly jerking forward and upward. And while she was doing this 'vomit dance', she would start whooping. I have no idea why she whooped. She just did. Her whooping would start to come out faster, louder, and higher.

My first experience with this was when we were eating hamburgers for dinner. They were delicious; so, Grandma asked Grandpa where he bought the meat from.

"I got them from the booger shop," replied Grandpa, giggling.

"Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!!! Dennis! Whoop! You know better!! Whoop! Whoop!"

It was amazing how quickly Grandma's brain would shut off when she got tired. Her bedtime was at 8:00 PM. By 8:03 PM, she couldn't speak without stuttering on words or completely saying the wrong thing. One night, when we were getting ready for bed, she tried to quiet us down so that she could read us our nightly story.

"Girls! You need to be quiet before I can fart the....I mean start the story!"

We burst out laughing and she tried to battle against it, but she couldn't. She started to smile, her eyes wrinkling in the corners, and then giggle and then we were all crying from laughing so hard. We howled and groaned as we held our sore stomachs. We would find out later that she also told one of her students to, 'fart here'. Though she kept a straight face and didn't laugh then, she randomly laughed in the middle of her very next lesson while thinking about her previous blunder.

Grandma knew everything. She was this book that you could open and read. She knew something about every subject. She was also full of ideas and dreams. I loved reading her. She was there for my first church talk and my second and third. She was there for my school presentations and speeches. If she didn't know much about a subject, she would spend the day researching and learning. She would then come back, show me all of her sources, and teach me.

Grandma loved romance. She loved reading about it and watching it in movies. Grandma rarely let me see her room. It was crowded, piles and shelves of books, binders, and papers everywhere. Her room looked like something you would see in an episode of Hoarders. I don't know how she slept in there, because I couldn't even breathe. She had music everywhere and papers with her scribbles. She wrote notes on everything. There were receipts with her notes on them, notes about students, music, and religious topics. And then, smack in the middle of this mess was her bed. She dusted off the top of one of her shelves and handed me some books. One said, Harlequin Romance, at the top and then the title: A Girl Named Rose. This was the first of many Harlequin Romance books that I read. I almost always read Betty Neels' books, because Grandma and I preferred her writing. Hers was more old-fashioned, the kind where they finally kiss at the end after they get engaged. Betty Neels had a very similar story for each of her books. There was almost always a plain and quiet nurse who worked for a handsome but intimidating and sometimes rude Dutch doctor. They were always Dutch. They often had long and complicated names that I couldn't pronounce: Sybren Werdmer Ter Sane, Fulk Van Hensum, Coenraad Van Essen, and Gerard Van Doorninck. I loved them despite their simple layout and I read them often.

She showed me her movie collection. She had boxes full of tapes that she had recorded them on. Each movie had multiple movie titles scribbled on the front. She had hundreds and could describe them in detail when I would ask what a certain one was about. I fell in love. I loved the classic romances of the 1920's-1960's. I fell in love with Jimmy Stewart, Lawrence Olivier, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, Fred Astaire, Rock Hudson, and James Dean. We suffered through Gene Kelly's bad acting to witness his perfect dancing. We sang alongside Judy Garland and pretended to dance like Ann Miller. We wanted the comic timing of Doris Day and the witty attitude of Katharine Hepburn. We loved watching Vivien Leigh, Maureen O'Hara, Greer Garson, Olivia de Havilland, Jean Arthur, Joan Fontaine, Cyd Charisse, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jane Powell on the screen of Grandma's small TV.

We memorized their songs and lines. She watched me as I practiced walking gracefully. We had tea parties where we talked like ladies. It was so fun! Some of our favorite movies to watch: The Harvey Girls, His Girl Friday, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, Meet Me In St. Louis, Gone With The Wind, Singin' In The Rain, An Affair to Remember, The Pirate, That Hagen Girl, Gigi, Pillow Talk, The African Queen, Roman Holiday, To Catch a Thief, How to Steal a Million, The Philadelphia Story, The Quiet Man, Easter Parade, You Can't Take It With You, How to Marry a Millionaire, Brigadoon, The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer, Some Like It Hot, Charade...

My two favorites that Grandma showed me have to be Tammy and the Bachelor and Margie. They're both similar, sweet and funny. Tammy is about a simple and naive girl (Debbie Reynolds) who falls in love with a refined man who doesn't notice her at first. Margie is about a bright but odd high school girl (Jeanne Crain) who has a crush on her French teacher and one of her popular peers. She also has constant trouble with her pantaloons. I loved watching these two with Grandma. We would giggle and re-watch scenes just to giggle some more.

Grandma and Grandpa's House: Batty

We dubbed our new house, The Bat House. One day, when we came home from a trip, we found a bat in our family room. It was hanging from one of Mom's curtains. Three girls and a bat is not a good combination. It's a horrible combo! We were frantic. I was beyond terrified and took Kristi upstairs to hide while Mom and Sarah figured out a game plan. We knew that they had attempted something when we heard the screaming. Loud bangs and deafening shrills came from below. The vacuum was being used. I heard cloth rip and more screaming, and even some flapping. And then, a sickening crunch. I ran downstairs just in time to see half of a bat sticking out of the vacuum tube before the rest of it was swallowed. I guess Mom had taken out the vacuum and figured she would vacuum it up. You're hoping that she gets it at the butt and that it slides down the tube. But no, Mom got the bat in the middle of its back! Imagine a vacuum tube in the middle of the spine, the body unwilling to be sucked down. And then, all of a sudden you hear this atrocious snap and the bat gets sucked into the tube. It literally folded into itself and flew down the tube.

Earlier that year, we had a bat in Grandma and Grandpa's house. I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed, when Sarah and Kristi started screaming from the peach room we stayed in. There was a bat circling the inside of our room. It was terrifying, especially because we didn't realize that there were bats in Minnesota. I was scared that it would bite me and suck my blood. I had only seen them in movies, the vampire ones. We yelled for Grandpa, sure that he would have some intense, massive weapon to protect us with. He nonchalantly walked up the stairs to us, a tennis racket in his hand. He quietly walked into the room, apparently unaware of the deathly creature that enveloped it. Without a word, he stood in one corner and lifted the racket above his head. We stared, eyes wide. The bat circled a few more times and then flew right into the racket and dropped to the ground! It was a miracle! He then put it on the racket and took it outside.

Our cousins, Alex and Ivy, came to visit us. It was Halloween and we wanted to put together a haunted house. It was going to be easy, because Grandma and Grandpa's house didn't need any changes to make it seem haunted. We didn't need to make cobwebs or add dust. We didn't need to make it look old or install flickering lights or squeaky doors. We made the parents and grandparents wait outside while we put everything together. It was decided that Alex would walk them through the music room and I would be at the piano, playing some scary music as he introduced his vampire self. The only scary tune I knew was the theme to Jaws. We cut a hole into the top of a cardboard box. Sarah jumped in and stuck her head out. We put potatoes around her head and found one of Grandma's silver platter lids. We were going to serve them her head. She would stare with an apple in her mouth. We peeled grapes and put them into a bowl for them to feel. At different times, we would take turns jumping out at them as they walked through. Mom and Aunt Barbara went through. They loved it and even acted scared for us. Then it was Grandma and Grandpa. Everything was going well; Sarah, who had the hardest job of holding still and looking dead, was giving an amazing performance. But, when Grandma came through, it all changed. Grandma started clapping after we scared her. She wanted to congratulate us on doing a good job. She squealed loudly, shrieked when we jumped out at her. Her yell came out in a huge, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" Then, it was Sarah's time to put on a show. We lifted the lid for the grand reveal and after a few 'whoops', Grandma burst out laughing. She was so excited and happy and told Sarah that she was doing a good job between laughs. Sarah tried to hold on, but she couldn't and spat out her apple to laugh.

"Grandma! You're not supposed to laugh!"

After a successful night of scaring people, Alex and I sat at the top of the stairs. The house was dimly light, dark except for the front porch light. We were talking about what we wanted to do for next year's Halloween when something flew over us. You could feel the air move. I knew immediately that it was a bat and I whispered to Alex that we should get out, explaining that there was a bat. He didn't believe me.

"No, Lei! It's a large moth. That's all it is!"

It was the perfect end to our Halloween night.